Dear Tech Support, 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules,  limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. 
Signed: 
Desperate Wife 

-----Reply Separator----- 

Dear Desperate Wife, 
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. 

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1. 

Best of luck! 
Tech Support

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full?  They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. The students laughed. He asked his students again if the jar was full?   They agreed that yes, it was.

The professor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.  Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor,  "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff.  If you put the sand or the pebbles into the jar first, there is no room for the rocks.

The same goes for your life.  If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important. Pay attention to the things that are critical in your life.  Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."  Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.  The rest is just pebbles and sand

THE HOUSE RULES

1. The female always makes the rules.

2.The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules.  Nearly all females are born with this knowledge.

4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she may immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

7.  If rule #6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The female may change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The male must never change his mind without the expressed written consent of the female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. On birthdays, the female doesn't get older, she just keeps getting better and better and better. 

When a certain couple went to bed after watching "Who wants to be a millionaire"
on TV, the husband was in an amorous mood. He asked his wife if she wanted to do something about it. She said "NO" "Is that your final answer?" he asked. "Yes"
Well, then the husband replied, "I think I'd like to call a friend. >>

Subject: A heartwarming story...


At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the school's students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by those who attended.

After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question. "Everything God does is done with perfection. Yet, my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as the children do. Where is God's plan reflected in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query. The father continued. "I believe," the father answered, "that when God brings a child like Shay into the world, an opportunity to realize the Divine Plan presents itself. And it comes in the way people treat that child."

Then, he told the following story: Shay and I walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they will let me play?"

Shay's father knew that most boys would not want him on their team. But the father understood that if his son were allowed to play it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging. Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance from his teammates. Getting none, he took matters into his own hands and said, "We are losing by six runs, and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him up to bat in the ninth inning. "

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. At the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the outfield. Although no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base. Shay was scheduled to be the next at-bat. Would the team actually let Shay bat at this juncture and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball. However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able to make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly toward Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball to the pitcher. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could easily have thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have ended the game. Instead, the pitcher took the ball and threw it on a high arc to right field, far beyond reach of the first baseman. Everyone started yelling, "Shay, Shay, run to first. Run to first." Never in his life had Shay ever made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled. Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second! By the time Shay was rounding first base, the right fielder had the ball. He could have thrown the ball to the second baseman for a tag. But the right fielder understood what the pitcher's intentions had been, so he threw the ball high and far over the third baseman's head. Shay ran towards second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled the bases towards home. As Shay reached second base, the opposing shortstop ran to him, turned him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third!" As Shay rounded third,
the boys from both teams were screaming, "Shay! Run home!"

Shay ran home, stepped on home plate and was cheered as the hero, for hitting a "grand slam" and winning the game for the team.

"That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of the Divine Plan into this world."

In conclusion: a footnote to the story. We all send thousands of jokes through e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending
messages regarding life choices, people think twice about sharing. The crude, vulgar, and sometimes the obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of decency is too often suppressed in school and the workplace. If you are thinking about forwarding this message, you are probably thinking about which people on your address list aren't the "appropriate" ones to receive this type of message. The person who sent this to you believes that we can all make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities a day to help realize God's plan.

So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a spark of the Divine? Or do we pass up that opportunity, and leave the world a bit colder in the process?

Take this quiz:
1.   Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2.   Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3.   Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4.   Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5.   Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6.   Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

> >> > How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies.  Awards tarnish.  Achievements are forgotten.  Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

> >> > Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1.   List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2.   Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3.   Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4.   Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5.   Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6.   Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.


> >> > Easier?

> >> > The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones who care.

The Vietnamese Buddhist monk and philosopher, Thich Nhat Hanh, writes about
enjoying a good cup of tea...

You must be completely awake in the present to enjoy the tea.
Only in the awareness of the present can your hands feel the pleasant warmth
of the cup.
Only in the present can you savor the aroma, taste the sweetness, appreciate
the delicacy.

If you are ruminating about the past or worrying about the future, you will
completely miss the experience of enjoying the cup of tea. You will look
down at the cup, and the tea will be gone.

Life is like that.

If you are not fully present, you will look around and it will be gone. You
will have missed the feel, the aroma, the delicacy and beauty of life. It
will seem to be speeding past you.

The past is finished. Learn from it and let it go.

The future is not even here yet. Plan for it, but do not waste your time
worrying about it. Worrying is worthless. When you stop ruminating about
what has already happened, when you stop worrying about what might never
happen, then you will be in the present moment. Then you will begin to
experience joy in life.

_________________________-

Now go enjoy YOUR cup of tea!

The last time.
A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live. 
"Of course Darling." she replied. And so they have sex. 
Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?" 
Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex. 
Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?" 
By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees. 
After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?" 
Well, she turns to him with a pained grimace on her face and says, "You know, you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!"