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Get-A-Life! Because, after the money, after the sex, after the "toys", all that really matters in life is the people you love.  So, in the spirit of fun, gratitude and love, here are some of the stories and jokes people have sent.  All the jokes and stories may not be politically correct, but they are entertaining. Enjoy it all... and if you have some of your own, send them over. There is more to life than just making money.  

Dear Tech Support, 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules,  limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. 
Signed: 
Desperate Wife 

-----Reply Separator----- 

Dear Desperate Wife, 
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. 

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1. 

Best of luck! 
Tech Support


A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full?  They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. The students laughed. He asked his students again if the jar was full?   They agreed that yes, it was.

The professor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.  Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor,  "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff.  If you put the sand or the pebbles into the jar first, there is no room for the rocks.

The same goes for your life.  If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important. Pay attention to the things that are critical in your life.  Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."  Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.  The rest is just pebbles and sand


THE HOUSE RULES

1. The female always makes the rules.

2.The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules.  Nearly all females are born with this knowledge.

4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she may immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

7.  If rule #6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The female may change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The male must never change his mind without the expressed written consent of the female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. On birthdays, the female doesn't get older, she just keeps getting better and better and better. 


When a certain couple went to bed after watching "Who wants to be a millionaire"
on TV, the husband was in an amorous mood. He asked his wife if she wanted to do something about it. She said "NO" "Is that your final answer?" he asked. "Yes"
Well, then the husband replied, "I think I'd like to call a friend. >>


The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (that gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant on that theme. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.  As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to
more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in doing so, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze. The student received the only "A" given.


Success

 At age 4....success is....not peeing in your pants.
 At age 12...success is....having friends.
 At age 16...success is....having a drivers license.
 At age 20...success is....having sex.
 At age 35...success is....having money.
 At age 50...success is....having money.
 At age 60...success is....having sex.
 At age 70...success is....having a drivers license.
 At age 75...success is....having friends.
 At age 80...success is....not peeing in your pants. 


An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, "Only a little while, senor."

The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more
fish?"

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.
You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then, senor?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions, senor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."


The truths I've learned from the Movies:

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the
price range
of most people - whether they are employed or not.

2. One of a pair of identical twins is always born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut.
You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts your enemies will wait patiently to attack you
one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have
knocked out their predecessors.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your
bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world
expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down
three days before their retirement.

9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley
systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, and then
depart without witnessing the cruel and diabolical demise which will
allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a
strip club at least once.

11. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the
armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying
beside her.

12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
bread.

13. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone
in the control tower to talk you down.

14. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving.

15. In war it is impossible to die unless you make the mistake of
showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian
officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or
Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the
German).

17. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

18. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

19. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.

20. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises alone in their most revealing underwear.

21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always
say: Enter ... Password Now.

22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary
to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few
moments.

23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large
red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

24. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.

25. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet
will know all the steps.

26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.

27. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to
speak to each other in English.


FEMALE FANTASY
In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.  While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is
cleaning.


The Invitation
A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard... She did not  
recognize them... She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry... Please come in and have something to eat"... "Is the man of the house home?", they asked. "No", she said. "He's out". "Then we cannot come in", they replied. In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened... Go tell them I am home and invite them in. The woman went out and invited the men in "We don't go into a house together", they replied. "Why is that?" she wanted to know. One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth...he said pointing to one of his friends...and said pointing to another one, "He is Success and I am Love".. Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."  The woman went in and told her husband what was said...  Her husband was overjoyed... "How nice", he said!!... "Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth... Let him come and fill our home with wealth"...  His wife disagreed..."My dear, why don't we invite Success"?.... Their daughter-in-law was listening from the other corner of the house... She jumped in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be better to invite Love...Our home will be filled with love"... "Let us heed our daughter-in-law's advice", said the husband to his wife..."Go out and invite Love to be our guest."  The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love?  Please come in and be our guest."  Love got up and started walking toward the house.. The other 2 also got up and followed him.. Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love, why
are you coming in?"  The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success the other two of us would've stayed out ... but since you invited Love, wherever he goes we go with him... Wherever there is Love there is also
wealth and success! 
Who have you invited into your home?

Have a good day. >>


Subject: A heartwarming story...


At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the school's students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by those who attended.

After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question. "Everything God does is done with perfection. Yet, my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as the children do. Where is God's plan reflected in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query. The father continued. "I believe," the father answered, "that when God brings a child like Shay into the world, an opportunity to realize the Divine Plan presents itself. And it comes in the way people treat that child."

Then, he told the following story: Shay and I walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they will let me play?"

Shay's father knew that most boys would not want him on their team. But the father understood that if his son were allowed to play it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging. Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance from his teammates. Getting none, he took matters into his own hands and said, "We are losing by six runs, and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him up to bat in the ninth inning. "

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. At the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the outfield. Although no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base. Shay was scheduled to be the next at-bat. Would the team actually let Shay bat at this juncture and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball. However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able to make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly toward Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball to the pitcher. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could easily have thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have ended the game. Instead, the pitcher took the ball and threw it on a high arc to right field, far beyond reach of the first baseman. Everyone started yelling, "Shay, Shay, run to first. Run to first." Never in his life had Shay ever made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled. Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second! By the time Shay was rounding first base, the right fielder had the ball. He could have thrown the ball to the second baseman for a tag. But the right fielder understood what the pitcher's intentions had been, so he threw the ball high and far over the third baseman's head. Shay ran towards second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled the bases towards home. As Shay reached second base, the opposing shortstop ran to him, turned him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third!" As Shay rounded third,
the boys from both teams were screaming, "Shay! Run home!"

Shay ran home, stepped on home plate and was cheered as the hero, for hitting a "grand slam" and winning the game for the team.

"That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of the Divine Plan into this world."

In conclusion: a footnote to the story. We all send thousands of jokes through e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending
messages regarding life choices, people think twice about sharing. The crude, vulgar, and sometimes the obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of decency is too often suppressed in school and the workplace. If you are thinking about forwarding this message, you are probably thinking about which people on your address list aren't the "appropriate" ones to receive this type of message. The person who sent this to you believes that we can all make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities a day to help realize God's plan.

So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a spark of the Divine? Or do we pass up that opportunity, and leave the world a bit colder in the process?


Take this quiz:
1.   Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2.   Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3.   Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4.   Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5.   Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6.   Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

> >> > How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies.  Awards tarnish.  Achievements are forgotten.  Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

> >> > Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1.   List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2.   Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3.   Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4.   Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5.   Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6.   Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.


> >> > Easier?

> >> > The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones who care.


The Vietnamese Buddhist monk and philosopher, Thich Nhat Hanh, writes about
enjoying a good cup of tea...

You must be completely awake in the present to enjoy the tea.
Only in the awareness of the present can your hands feel the pleasant warmth
of the cup.
Only in the present can you savor the aroma, taste the sweetness, appreciate
the delicacy.

If you are ruminating about the past or worrying about the future, you will
completely miss the experience of enjoying the cup of tea. You will look
down at the cup, and the tea will be gone.

Life is like that.

If you are not fully present, you will look around and it will be gone. You
will have missed the feel, the aroma, the delicacy and beauty of life. It
will seem to be speeding past you.

The past is finished. Learn from it and let it go.

The future is not even here yet. Plan for it, but do not waste your time
worrying about it. Worrying is worthless. When you stop ruminating about
what has already happened, when you stop worrying about what might never
happen, then you will be in the present moment. Then you will begin to
experience joy in life.

_________________________-

Now go enjoy YOUR cup of tea!


And the Moral of the Story....

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.  As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.  


After a two year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. 


The last time.
A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live. 
"Of course Darling." she replied. And so they have sex. 
Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?" 
Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex. 
Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?" 
By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees. 
After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?" 
Well, she turns to him with a pained grimace on her face and says, "You know, you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!"


My child arrived just the other day,

He came to the world in the usual way.

But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay.

He learned to walk while I was away.

And he was talking 'fore I knew it, and as he grew,

He'd say, "I'm gonna be like you, dad.

You know I'm gonna be like you."

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,

Little boy blue and the man in the moon.

"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when,

But we'll get together then.

You know we'll have a good time then."

My son turned ten just the other day.

He said, "Thanks for the ball, dad, come on let's play.

Can you teach me to throw?" I said, "Not today,

I got a lot to do." He said, "That's ok."

And he walked away, but his smile never dimmmed,

Said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah.

You know I'm gonna be like him."

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,

Little boy blue and the man in the moon.

"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when,

But we'll get together then.

You know we'll have a good time then."

Well, he came from college just the other day,

So much like a man I just had to say,

"Son, I'm proud of you. Can you sit for a while?"

He shook his head, and he said with a smile,

"What I'd really like, dad, is to borrow the car keys.

See you later. Can I have them please?"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,

Little boy blue and the man in the moon.

"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when,

But we'll get together then, dad.

You know we'll have a good time then."

I've long since retired and my son's moved away.

I called him up just the other day.

I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind."

He said, "I'd love to, dad, if I could find the time.

You see, my new job's a hassle, and the kid's got the flu,

But it's sure nice talking to you, dad.

It's been sure nice talking to you."

And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me,

He'd grown up just like me.

My boy was just like me.

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,

Little boy blue and the man in the moon.

"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when,

But we'll get together then, dad.

You know we'll have a good time then."


A farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it wasn't worth it to save the donkey. He asked his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed shovels and began to shovel dirt into the well.

First, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. As the neighbors shoveled dirt on the animal, he shook it off and took a step up. Soon, all were amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!

Life shovels dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the 5 simple rules to be happy (keep reading):

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you!